life is making sense again

The busyness I experienced through out this semester adds another wonderful color to my life. I realized that I lost myself since the past ten years and at that time I’m like a baby who’s trying to learn how to walk and talk again even I’m already expert on those. I live in my own world of misery and I just have a hole in my heart, that I felt the emptiness though I had a happy family and loyal friends beside me. Sins that I did and regretted and the Taubah I performed ‘on and off’ are the reasons I hate myself and it makes me keep the real me inside. I’m ashamed of myself and since I don’t want anybody to see the bad side of me, I tried hard to never do a wrongdoing and it was so tiring regretting and starting all over again – believe me, I’ve tried.

Now, with my responsibilities, I don’t have the time to do and think about other things other than my homework, projects, club activities etc. It surprised me a lot that I love the busyness I had, though its tiring and all my energy were squeezed till the last drop. Aish. But… is it true that busy people doesn’t have a life? *tsk* I’m enjoying my busyness yet I have to admit those sayings are true.

Every day before I went to bed, I usually forgot the prayer I used to recite. My mind won’t stop thinking about what to do tomorrow, the works that to be done, places I must go, people I need to meet etc etc.. And waking up these days was always like “Ah! Today I need to submit this and that!” Even in the morning I’ve started to scheduling things in my mind even with the simplest thing ever like.. I cannot always go back and forth into my room to do certain thing coz its wasting time..so everything I do I’ll said to myself “Am I done here? Do I need to do anything else?” Only when I’m satisfied then I go and settle down other things. Man! I can’t believe I’m loosing my life! And I thought life is making sense? No way! *sigh*

p/s: confusing isn’t it? At first I said my life are full of colors and now its totally blank? I AM confused myself, so don’t bother.